Talking to your spouse about their drinking can be a stressful conversation, especially if they are defensive about the amount of alcohol they’re consuming. For many, the topic can be triggering and might not bring out their best side. That’s why it’s so important to pick the correct time and place to discuss the issue. Additionally, use “I statements” instead of accusatory language. Try to give them space to think about what you’ve said, but be firm about setting boundaries with them. Unfortunately, making the decision to get help with drinking is not one you can make for anybody else. Your spouse will have to decide for themselves when the time is right, but your support will be very helpful in their recovery.
Talking to Your Spouse About Their Drinking: Finding the Right Moment
Find the Right Time
Before talking to your spouse about their drinking, it’s important to pick the right time. And that’s when they’re sober. Never try to approach the conversation while they are drinking or as they’re about to start drinking. Additionally, don’t bring it up during a fight. Instead, find a moment when you are both calm and happy, and try to approach the topic as a conversation, rather than accusing them of having a problem.
Find the Right Place
Talking to your spouse about their drinking is a very private matter. And it might be a topic that brings up a lot of guilt, shame, and embarrassment for them. Therefore, it’s best to wait until you are in the privacy of your own home. Don’t try to broach the subject when you’re out at a restaurant or bar where others could overhear you. And don’t try to have this conversation when you’re with other friends. Instead, find a time when you are alone and when you’ll have as much time as you need, distraction-free, to really discuss the issue.
Use I Statements
When approaching the subject, use “I statements”. This means framing your sentences in terms of how things make you feel. For example, you might start by saying that you feel concerned about them because you’ve noticed an uptick in their drinking. Make sure you’re coming from a place of love and not from a place of making them feel guilty or judged. Assure them that you’ll be supportive in any way you can if they decide to cut back or give up drinking entirely.
Be Patient, But Firm
When talking to your spouse about their drinking, it’s important to be patient and give them plenty of time to process the conversation. It might feel like it came out of left field to them. Or it might be a topic that they’re wanting to avoid because they feel ashamed. They might react defensively at first. Give them time and space to calm down. However, be firm about how important the issue is for you. Don’t let them blow it off or sweep it under the rug. Living with an alcoholic partner can be exhausting, and you need to decide if this is the future you want.
Talking to your spouse about their drinking can be an uncomfortable conversation. But hopefully, it will spark some motivation in them to consider changing their habits. Make sure you pick the right time and place and use productive language instead of accusations or guilt trips. Try to remember that alcoholism is an illness and not something that can be changed overnight. Even if they decide to go into recovery, there will probably be bumps along the way. All you can do is be there for them and continue to support their progress. However, don’t let them brush aside your concerns. Make sure they understand how important this is for you because of your love for them. Hopefully, you’ll be able to have a productive conversation that inspires them to reconsider their relationship with alcohol.
